speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
