I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't deserve a penis
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
