is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So much Jack, so little girl.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
