Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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