Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
