I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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