i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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