OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
