Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
