I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize