Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
