I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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