how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
