Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
