on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
