My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
