I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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