when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize