there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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