I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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