no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
