I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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