I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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