I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize