I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I wear drunk well.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
