I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
