sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
