can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
