What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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