I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
