I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
