My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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