I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
