remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
