You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
