Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
