Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
