If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
