life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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