so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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