i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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