Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
