I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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