I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
this will be a night to untag.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
