she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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