I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm too high and old for this...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
