Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
