I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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