I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
