I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
