Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
