would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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