Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
