genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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