I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You took a bar mat shot.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
