he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
